love languages of the zodiac

Love languages of the zodiac, unfortunately observed.

At the time of this writing, transit Venus is on my natal Jupiter and transit Mars is on my natal Venus.

So yes, technically, I am inside an astrological three-way.

So what to do with the energy?

Naturally, I decided to document how the zodiac signs express love when they’re pretending to be normal about it.

Aries: Shoves you. That’s how they flirt. And you are going to like it.

Taurus: Offers you a bite of their favorite dessert. When you agree, assumes you’re staying the night.

Gemini: DMs you before they DM everyone else… on their roster.

Cancer: Looks at you with doe eyes and hopes you don’t notice. Then gets mad at themselves when you do.

Leo: Calls you “daddy” or “mami” in public. Then proceeds to tag you in every selfie.

Virgo: Asks for your car keys, then details your car without you asking. When they return them, they say, “It was filthy.”

Libra: What do you mean? Everything they do is for you. You haven’t noticed? Why haven’t you noticed?

Scorpio: Agrees to sign a prenup with only one red-line review from their attorney.

Sagittarius: When packing for vacation, offers space in their luggage for your shoes. (But whatever you do, don’t leave a toothbrush at their house.)

Capricorn: Agrees to review your CV before your big interview, but only if you’re interviewing while already employed.

Aquarius: Sits by you in the group rideshare. But don’t get weird about it.

Pisces: Tells you that you were in their dream last night. If they’re a March Pisces, it was probably not a dream they should describe in public.

Still hungry? 🍣

The Bite drops between Raw Reports — quick, spicy, and gone before the moon changes signs.